The Actual Chapter 6: Reflections

Penelope closed and locked her apartment door. She leaned her back against the door and slowly slid to the floor. Her head was spinning and she felt nauseous. She just needed a moment to process everything that had just happened. Asher was really gone. Asher was gone? What would her life be like here in the city without him? And Rick was somehow involved. She had so many questions, so many doubts. Things had happened so quickly. How did Rick even know Asher? What other secrets did he have? She thought she knew him. She thought she could trust him. Sure, he could be annoying and was always trying to insert himself into her life, but deep down she thought she knew that he had just been trying to protect her, not ruin her life. Maybe she was wrong?

But she and Rick had so much history. Her mind traveled back to the night that her father had brought him home for dinner, as he did with all new officers. Dinner with the Captain, they all seemed to have a look of awe around her father. It was at the end of his Rick's first shift, he still had that fresh-from-the academy polish. He had looked so handsome that night. But those times were long gone now...just a faint glimmer in the back of her mind.

What would her father have thought about the life she now led? Edison Theodore Baker. He was so distinguished, well respected, strong. And look how his only daughter had turned out. Penelope's gaze fell upon the silver bracelet on her wrist. It had the inscription E.T.B. She smiled as she traced her finger over her father's initials. Pen knew that it was dangerous to wear something that could be used to trace her identity, but it was all she had left. She would never forget the night that her father had given it to her...two nights before he died. Shot on the street by some thug he had thrown in jail. Had it really only been a few years?

Rick had been the one to call her from the hospital. He had consoled her, held her hand through the funeral, promised her father that he would look after her. And now he strolls into her home with news of Asher like he knew all about it. It just didn't make sense! He had even been to her apartment, if the landlady was to be believed, how did she not know? Had she come to see Shiloh? Maybe he came to see Asher on one of the rare occasions he would show up out of the blue and stay for weeks before disappearing again. Perhaps Shiloh saw Rick and Asher together. Maybe she could ask. Or maybe she should wonder why Shiloh would not have said anything before. So many questions, no answers, too much doubt.

With a heavy sigh and unraveling trust, she pushed herself up off the floor and headed towards the bathroom. If I'm going to stick around here to sort things out, I'd better start working on a new image, Penelope thought, change in appearance always made her feel better, like she was changing who she was, a little. Maybe it was easier to think she was hiding. She opened the cabinet and took out a box of auburn hair dye and a pair of scissors. Tears were dripping off the end of her nose as she numbly began snipping away. Her raven locks fell all around her feet and soon covered the cracked, yellow linoleum floor. Just as she was turning on the water to start the dying process that she knew by heart, Penelope heard the apartment door open.

"Pen? Penelope? Are you in the shower?" Penelope sighed with relief at the sound of Shiloh's voice but didn't respond. Doubt about her entire world still fresh in her mind. Penelope felt like her world had been turned upside down. She felt so alone.
Shiloh continued, "Hey, I heard the news about Asher on the radio. I'm really sorry. But hey, look on the bright side, at least you know now that he wasn't blowing you off! Right?" Shiloh's lame attempt was met with silence on the other end of the door. "Okay, okay, I understand, you don't want to talk right now, but I brought home pizza and beer. Thought it might make you feel better. I'm gonna watch tv. I'll be here when you're ready to talk."

Penelope checked out her latest hairstyle in the spotted mirror. An auburn bob...it barely grazed her jawbone. Her neck was kind of cold. Penelope shrugged her shoulders. It didn't look too bad. She stared at her face for a minute. Her outside image changed all the time and she wasn't even sure what her natural hair color was anymore. Rhetorically, she asked herself aloud, "Who am I? What happened to the fun loving, happy girl that I used to be?" Then to spoil it she added, "Oh yeah, that's right, she got packed away somewhere with her memories when Daddy died and the lawyer's and sycophants took all my money and I started trying to fill the void with meaningless crap." Finally sickened enough with her own self pity she sighed and moved toward the door.

Penelope dried her tears, put on her best fake smile, and stepped out into the hallway. Shiloh muted the tv and looked over at her and held out a beer. "The hair looks good, Pen," she said with a grin. "So what was the deal earlier today when I called?" That crooked smile she had flashed a million times seemed so familiar, Penelope's doubts faded a bit.

"It was...there was...someone was at the door," Pen answered, or stammered. "It was Rick," she added, easier this time.

"Rick? Rick who? ...Oh that guy from LA thats always 'checking' in on you" she said with cliche air quotes around the word. What did she mean by that? "What did he want?" Shiloh said inquisitively.

Why is she so curious? Thought Penelope, then, due to the internal struggles, imediately thought How could I doubt her of all people, after what she has done for me! Then realizing she had not responded as seconds ticked by she said without thinking, "You don't know him? He's been here before, according to Dora."

"Really, not that I ever noticed," and added a sudden shock of spontaneous laughter, for which she was known. Sometimes it made Pen wonder at her sudden mood changes.

"Well, it doesn't matter now. Nothing does." Said Pen, darkly. "I'm tired and going to go sleep until I don't care anymore."

Already halfway down the hall to her room, Penelope heard Shiloh call, "Sorry things have gotten so bad, Pen. Let me know if there's anything I can do..."

With the lights off and the sheets wrapped tight, Pen felt like she was disconnected from everything around her, which gave her time to cycle through the evening. Her eyes filled with burning tears that cascaded down her face and got lost in her hair and the uncomfortable pillow. The last thought she had before sleep was Questions, too many, and no answers...